Van Helsing

Movie Description: Vampire hunter extraordinaire Dr. Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) travels to a mysterious region of Eastern Europe on a quest to vanquish the big three -- Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh), the Wolf Man (Will Kemp) and Frankenstein's Monster (Shuler Hensley). On hand is his intrepid assistant Anna (Kate Beckinsale), the heir to a family committed to hunting down and destroying the Count. Based on author Bram Stoker's character that appeared in Dracula

My Promulgation: I fell asleep during most of this movie, but that didn't seem to matter. Hugh Jackman and a hot Kate Beckinsale seem to fight monsters and jump around like maggots on a hot skillet, with some super human powers that didn't make sense to me, but then again, I'm sure all that was explained in phenominal detail while I was sawing logs on the sofa. Lots of special effects, including Hugh Jackman's great boy hair, but in the end, the story is as we would expect it, he lives, she dies....or is it the other way around. Ah, van hell. Who cares.

Happiness

Description: A bittersweet film that belies its title, Happiness draws a dark portrait of a supremely dysfunctional family where each member battles personal demons. Plotlines include a prank telephone caller (Philip Seymour Hoffman) who's afraid of women and a preternaturally cheerful woman (Jane Adams) who's unable to make a physical connection. With other stories revolving around pederasts and masturbation, this remarkable movie is not for the squeamish.

My Promulgation: Our version of this movie was black and white because I later discovered the house cleaners moved the DVD player and it disconnected one of the wires in the back. That seemed to make little difference to me. I fell asleep during this one. It had some mildly entertaining scenes about some pretty disturbing topics, but I got nothing from it. It doesn't get one damned star.

Children of Dune

Description: Twelve years after the events of Dune (based on Frank Herbert's best-selling series of novels), political intrigue, rebellion and betrayal play out on an interplanetary level. To his horror, Arrakis emperor Paul Atreides (Alec Newman) -- has become the unintended figurehead of a violent dictatorship, and his enemies are multiplying. Vanishing into the desert, he waits as destiny shapes his twin heirs, Leto II and Ghanima.

My Promulgation: Frank Herbert's Dune series is legendary in SciFi book circles...No Duh. This movie series was pretty damned good. We watched this on TV, and like it, so I rented it again, I mean who doesn't like SciFi for Christ's sake?

Nowhere in Africa

Description: Shortly before World War II, a Jewish couple and their young daughter emigrate to Kenya from Germany to escape the Nazis. Not all members of the family are happy with this drastic change -- but going home isn't an option. Ultimately, they must all come to terms with a new life in a new continent. Director Caroline Link's epic drama won the 2002 Oscar for best foreign film.

My Promulgation: I'm sick and damned tired of holocaust stories, I mean I've seen like one or so, but I dig Africa, and really like Kenya. I liked this movie. It had a good story line and was a nice film, but that had nothing to do with Jews escaping the camps. It was story of life, compassion and caring.

Children of Heaven

Description: A delightful Iranian movie about a boy who accidentally loses his sister's shoes and must share his own sneakers with her in a sort of relay while each attends school at different times during the day. Finally, the boy enters a much-publicized foot race, hoping to place third. The prize: a new pair of sneakers. Directed by respected filmmaker Majid Majidi, Children of Heaven is just that -- heavenly.

My Promulgation: Any indie or non Hollywood movie always gets my interest. This one did. It was a cute story and I liked it too. Jesus H. Can you imagine such an ordeal over a pair of shoes? We're living large in the US of A. Don't forget it bucko. So see the movie.

When We Were Kings

Description: Two latter-day warriors travel to their ancestral homeland in When We Were Kings, a fascinating documentary about the 1974 "Rumble in the Jungle" title bout between heavyweight boxers Muhammad Ali and George Foreman. At the time, Foreman was world champion, and 32-year-old Ali was thought to be past his prime. Director Leon Gast struggled more than 20 years to complete the film.

My Promulgation: I remember when this happened, but I was only 10 years old, so I rented so I could learn more about this big boxing match in Africa. It reminded me of when Arnold out psyched poor Lou in the docu-drama Pumping Iron. How ironic that now Ali can't wipe his own ass and George Foreman is a multi-millionare selling those stupid grills. And why they hell did he name all his sons George? What a dumb ass. Oh well, if success is measured by the moola we make, he's clearly got more than me. Good God will you look at this? USB Grill

Life of Buddha

Description: The birth and life of one of religion's most important icons, the Buddha, is chronicled in this incisive documentary. Director Martin Meissonnier charts the transformation of Prince Siddhartha into the Buddha, a man who transformed the world with his powerful teachings. Illuminating for religious historians, the documentary also serves as an inspirational tale for people of all races and religions.

My Promulgation: This DVD showed up in French, so what the hell? No sub titles, no English version. I sure as hell am not going to sit through this thing having my friend Fabien translate it for me.